Political Scientists Discover New Trend

Updated: May 22, 2019

Political scientists publish discovery of peculiar trend: no oppression during one-week period each spring going back to 1930's

“For some confounding reason, there’s no oppression in the world during this period—no protests on campus of any kind,” state scientists in a paper titled “We believe her: Campus protests as an indicator of social injustice”

by Christopher Wilson

College is just not for education anymore. In fact, it’s barely for educating at all. Instead, a college education is primarily to protest worldwide social injustice, the oppression of people of color, the evils of white male privilege and capitalism.

Yet, a recent study by William Penn College political scientists Oslo Arboghast and Meek Mercer reveals that for one week each year no campus protests occur. It’s phenomenon dating back to at least the 1930’s, the study reveals.

“We studied a number of campuses around the country for several years and each year the same thing occurred,” Arboghast stated. “Our research determined that there was not a single social justice march, rally or demonstration to be had. We could find no student demands for any deans to resign for alleged misdeeds, no conservative speakers to be shouted down and campus safe spaces are completely empty for one week. This occurred consistently year after year. We can only conclude that oppression and social injustice take a break each year sometime around March or April, that everyone in the world is fully woke. If only we can harness that one week and turn it into a year-round occurrence.”

The study also notes that alcohol consumption near college campuses and student viewership of MSNBC is reduced to practically zero during that same time each year.

Following that one week, the researchers note, the campus safe spaces return to their normal standing room only capacity.

The researchers originally thought that there may be a correlation between levels of alcohol consumption and social injustice. However, they noted that alcohol consumption seems to increase dramatically during that same time period elsewhere, particularly in some coastal cities in Florida and Mexico.

“This is a bit of a head-scratcher,” Arboghast said.