Redemption For Harvey

Updated: Jun 5, 2019

Harvey, long-time janitor in Women's Studies building, finds redemption in tutoring co-ed's in Oppressive Patriarchy course

“Being privileged, the least I can do is help these ladies improve their chances of admission to elite law schools,” says Harvey

by Josephine Stylin

Harvey, a long-time janitor at Barnard College, was seen posting flyers around campus for oppressive patriarchy tutoring. According to the dean, the women’s college is “always looking for ways to expand our student’s horizons, while demonizing men at every moment possible.”

Sources indicated Tuesday that the Ivy League janitor began the class by introducing himself and denouncing his privilege, to which many students began shouting, pointing fingers, and clapping their hands in-between every word when they spoke. “The spitting was the worst part” said Harvey, “I mean, I know I deserve it, but I had just mopped the floors.”

The 59-year-old was brought to his knees in the quad for an act of sacrifice organized by the students. Ashley Murphy, a sophomore, stated, “He needs to understand his role in the violence and oppression women face on this elite campus, it’s all his fault.” Witnesses claim the scene got rather bloody as the students forced Harvey to remove his penis with a dull, rusty razor blade normally used to scrape gum from under desks.

Murphy later stated, “The removal of privilege was a success! We really needed to take a stand and come together as a group of women whose parents pay 3x’s his yearly salary for us to attend here.”

Other witnesses at the college confirmed reports that the long-time janitor made them feel unsafe while cleaning the building after dark. Reportedly, “He would always say hello and smile when we walked by,” said one student, “like he enjoyed oppressing us by cleaning out the bathrooms each day.”

Harvey, woozy from the loss of blood, made a statement, “I want to thank the student body for teaching me about my privilege. It is with a heavy heart that I accept my role as oppressor and will reflect on it deeply each and every time I clean out the toilets clogged with used tampons.”