The Hubris Herald
Updated: May 24, 2019
Nationwide shortage of blue hair dye as feminists mobilize for upcoming Women's March
Feminist elders to convene emergency confab to vote if green is acceptable substitute
by Gabrielle Levi Hartman
For the last few years, January has brought hundreds of thousands of feminists a feeling of promise with the turn of a new year and the annual Women’s March. Birkenstock to Birkenstock, area lesbians and glass ceiling thrashers band together to show that the kitty between their legs has one hell of a meow.
For the last couple years, CNN has captured the event via helicopter photography to reveal aerial shots of a sea of bobbing blue-haired heads. These heads might be unique with an array of butterfly barrettes, an edgy side-buzz, or an astonishing mix of a pixie cut and a mullet, but they bob in unity. These heads belong to the quirky feminists who dominate the march. She is your fearless aunt who belches openly, your neighbor with gages the size of oranges, your coffee barista who corrects your pronoun usage after you mistakenly say “ma'am,” thereby ruining your 8:30AM. The power players. And, according to Leslie Atkinson, self-proclaimed super-feminist and fan of sporadic leg-tattoos, the blue hair is what has become the national symbol for feminism. In fact, since the start of the marches, Manic Panic’s sales of After Midnight Blue at-home hair dye have increased by 70%.
With the event just weeks away, blue hair dye is vanishing from stores faster than Plan-B after prom night. While this demonstrates power in the movement, the shortage is causing an influx of both manic and panic for US virgin-haired feminists.