Trump Threatens Assad With Feminists

Updated: Jun 5, 2019

With Syrian sanctions failing, Trump threatens to send in feminists to "deconstruct" Assad regime

Amnesty International decries threat as against “human decency”

by Paul Potts

WASHINGTON - In a recent White House press conference, President Trump addressed concerns that continued political and economic sanctions against Syria will only serve to further exasperate instabilities in the Middle East. With the establishment of safe zones completely ruled out by the Trump administration, President Trump has suggested a renewed offensive and the use of "the big guns."

Gesturing with both hands, Trump has again reinforced his administration’s close ties with women’s rights and feminist groups, referring to himself as "practically one of the fatas," and suggesting the deployment of an all-female paramilitary protest force to bring the Assad regime to justice. “They always want to talk to me but seriously, anything to get them off my lawn.” he confirmed.

In an immediate backlash, Amnesty International has condemned the suggestion, citing a high potential for civilian casualties and a guilty discomfort among the male population. “We’ve spent years speaking out against Assad and the awful things the Syrian people have lived through.”

Explains Daniel Fuller, spokesperson for Amnesty, “But even developed, politically stable countries struggle when dealing with feminist movements. What do you think is going to happen if we let loose American feminists upon Syria’s historically patriarchal political system? Well, we just can’t say but it’ll probably be terrible. Syria has beer, right?”

Meanwhile, confusion over the legitimacy of these threats has already begun. “Obviously President Trump was joking.” Explains the new White House Press Secretary, Alf The Alien. “The use of feminist groups is included in the Geneva conventions for a reason. Of course, if he wasn’t joking then obviously, we would consider our options with or without the UN’s approval. If he wasn’t joking. Though he probably was. Probably.”

In an unexpected turn of events, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has been quick to respond, giving fresh hope to a peaceful resolution in a press conference held last night. “To President Trump I will say this - woah there, cowboy. We see what you’re putting down and we’re picking it right up, you know? We can talk, just us boys. Just, be cool. Anything to keep them off my lawn.”